"like a sound that goes to the depths of the soul,
well thats the feeling that i make my goal."

-b.boys

here are the my thoughts and ideas spewn into type. some are papers written for school, others are thoughts and feelings that may have felt justified at the time of writing, but have lightened up by now. i leave them up here to show people extremes of my views which are not neccessarily current, but they may make you think. in a world of automation and integration, people do alot less of that. i s'pose if you are here, you may not be in need of a jump start in your thinking. also, you might just find them entertaining. however, none of these words assembled in the order presented here may be claimed as your own, but i do like to share for the benefit of reading. i hope some people enjoy. feel free to email me about it.

_06oct03_
fukitol

-->Papers ive written

"ive got rhymes gallot and i never fail,
like gravy to potatoes, luke to darth vader
im a souped up sucker, and ill see you all later."

-b.boys

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie The Pooh
Parallel Parking_25sep02_
i had to help some dumbass bitch who couldnt have been older then me, parallel park her new lexus into a spot the size of king kongs left nut! she was like "dont make fun of me!" i felt like saying, "im not making fun of you, you dumb slut, im just making sure you dont smash the fuck out of my jetta with your daddies bloated sedan". im so glad my girl (a) drives a normal car, and (b) can parallel park
Some More Bullshit_02dec01_
I guess its not so much the fact that someone will go out with someone and get hurt then go out and do it again that bothers me. ive done the same myself many times. of course, if you do continue to get burned over and over again, then you must not be learning anything, either that or they are all jerks. i try to look ahead, and see if something is going to end up being burned. generally as far as relationships go, i rarely ever get those people who make me blissfully happy anyway. so when i do find them, i usually jump right into a relationship and i end up wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Its prolly more the fact that people just do whatever makes them happy. of course you shouldnt do things that make you depressed. well, to a certain extent, some things we need to do that dont involve much joy have to just be undured such as school and things. thats not my point, but if we all just did whatever made us happy all the time, wouldnt that make us selfish? if it doesnt bother anyone else and it makes us happy, then go for it, all else should at least be looked at rationally. if you piss off someone you love by doing something that made you happy, are you going to be happy in the end? how about when someone makes you happy, then you find someone else who makes you happy too, maybe a bit more happy. is that first person going to be dropped at the toss of a coin to be with the person who now makes you more happy? where does that leave the first person? personally, when i find someone who makes me extremely happy, i end up sticking with them until they find someone or something else that makes them blissfully happy. i can deal with pain extremely well, so i would much rather have them leave me to be happy. even though, they may still be making me happy. i would rather find someone who makes me happy in the long term and stick with them than continuosly try to hop around from one person that makes me blissfully happy for a short while. but thats just me, im just the swan type. when i like something, i really like it and i dont stop.
Some Bullshit_25nov01_
i admit, life does suck but life was never meant to be easy. people will come along and make you happy, but when they go they dont always leave pleasantly. can you truly look back on that short time when you were happy, and still be happy about it? maybe its me, maybe im just to afraid. too afraid to pursue those that capture my fancy. possibly thats the case.
perhaps that isnt though, perhaps i become friends first to get to know them. then when i know i like them, and when i know of their mutual affection, (a one-sided relationship sucks more than none at all) i make the current relationship a little more. at least then i havent really wasted any time on relationships that could not have worked out anyway, and would only result in time that i did not want to remember because of the pain that would accompany it.
pain doesnt always make for a better person. sure you can learn from it, but most people, instead of learning anything, build themselves a freakin wall. these people shut out things. pain can only be withstood to a point and then a person gives up. a person can learn from touching a hot stove, that it burns and they will not touch it again. but was the charred flesh worth the lesson? weaker people will goes as far as to never touch a stove again. now is that the kind of experience that you want to gain from burning your hand? i try to learn things ahead of time, so as to not have to burn my hand on the stove. i can then keep my hands off of the stove and still cook my food on it because i knew ahead of time. sure im getting off on a tangent, but life must be picked through, not just run right through. if you do whatever makes you happy for the moment, but always ends up in pain, are you gonna want to look back on your life at all? i am not saying, dont do what makes you happy, theres always a happy medium, always. i have always been one for careful decisiveness. it may take me awhile to make up my mind, but once i have made my decision i stick to it, and i am more happy for it in the long run. i gave up skydiving to see a girl. that girl made me blissfully happy while i was with her, but now i cant look back on that because i was burned by her. its not happy memories. however, that skydiving would have been a thrill considering i wanted to do it for awhile, but i made a choice based on what made me happy for the moment. i kick myself for seeing a damn girl instead of falling out of a plane at speeds that i can barely reach in my car. then again, maybe its only me, maybe im the only one who thinks this way. sure, do the things that make you happy, its not a bad thing as long as no one gets hurt. heck, even if you get hurt, hey! your a better person.